In an unexpected announcement as his last act of office, the U.S. Surgeon General has declared the emergence of a new chronic medical condition, dubbed Crazy Eyes Syndrome (CES), which reportedly affects a specific demographic: liberal women. The condition, identified after years of observational studies, is characterized by wide, unblinking stares, overactive facial expressions, and an uncontrollable urge to rant about “systemic injustice” at Whole Foods.
“It’s a phenomenon we can no longer ignore,” stated Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy during a press briefing. “We’ve noticed a growing number of cases where the affected individuals exhibit intense eye movements and an inability to maintain coherent conversations without spiraling into unsolicited TED Talks.”
Symptoms and Side Effects
The symptoms of CES are reportedly wide-ranging but consistent:- Eyes that appear perpetually startled, as if the individual has just seen someone throw a plastic straw into the ocean.
- Rapid blinking during heated discussions about intersectionality.
- An overwhelming compulsion to begin sentences with, ‘As a woman…’ or ‘Speaking as someone who identifies as…’
Side effects may include scaring off friends, exhausting coworkers, and long lines at the co-op when debating if avocados are ethically sourced.
Why Only Liberal Women?
When asked why the condition seems to affect liberal women exclusively, Dr. Murthy shrugged, “It’s still under investigation. Some researchers believe it could be linked to prolonged exposure to performative activism, overpriced yoga classes, or overuse of the word problematic.”A Growing Public Concern
Reports of CES have spiked in recent years, with sightings most commonly reported at vegan bakeries, gender studies seminars, and protests where cardboard signs outnumber participants. While there is no official registry of cases, social media has become an informal tracker, with hashtags like #CrazyEyesSpotted trending regularly.Public Reactions Are Mixed
The announcement has sparked heated debates. Critics argue the diagnosis is politically motivated, while supporters see it as a necessary step in addressing an overlooked public health issue.Conservative commentator Tucker Carlson chimed in on his show, stating, “Finally, the science is catching up to what we’ve all been seeing for years. Now we have an explanation for those unblinking stares we get when we dare question The Narrative.”
Is There a Cure?
For now, the Surgeon General recommends “grounding exercises” to reduce symptoms. These include:- Logging off Twitter for an hour.
- Practicing conversations that don’t involve the phrase late-stage capitalism.
- Replacing kale smoothies with something less intense—like water.
Dr. Murthy concluded, “While we don’t have all the answers, one thing is clear: CES sufferers need our support. Maybe not our eye contact, but definitely our support.”