WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a ceremony that could only be described as "yugely historic," Donald J. Trump was sworn in as the 47th President of the United States today, flanked by his running mate, J.D. Vance, who was sworn in as the 50th Vice President. The event drew massive crowds, both adoring supporters waving MAGA 2.0 flags and protesters holding signs with slogans like "Not Again!" and "Will Someone PLEASE Hide the Nuclear Codes?"
In true Trump fashion, his inauguration speech was nothing short of electrifying—or terrifying, depending on your vantage point. “Today marks the dawn of a new America,” Trump began, with his characteristic flair for understatement. “We’re going to make the United States the strongest, most powerful, and let’s be honest, the most fabulous fascist dictatorship the world has ever seen. Nazi Germany? Weak. Mussolini’s Italy? Child’s play. Get ready, folks. It’s going to be tremendous!”
JD Vance Takes the Oath of ‘VP, But Make It MAGA’
J.D. Vance, the newly minted Vice President, stood beside Trump with a smile that suggested equal parts pride and “What have I gotten myself into?” Known for his populist rhetoric and a memoir that almost every pundit has cited but few have actually read, Vance promised to “work tirelessly to turn Trump’s vision into reality, no matter how many Constitutional amendments we have to shred to get there.”
‘Executive Orders, But Bigger and Better’
Trump wasted no time in outlining his grand plans for his second tenure. Among the highlights:
- Dissolution of Congress: “Too slow, too messy. I prefer a more streamlined approach, like me deciding everything.”
- Compulsory MAGA Hats: Every citizen will be required to own and wear a MAGA hat during national holidays. Red is mandatory, with gold trim for top donors.
- Rebranding the White House: Trump announced plans to rename the White House to “Trump House: Presidential Edition” and install a golden fountain in the Rose Garden.
Protesters and Supporters React
While Trump loyalists cheered his every word, claiming they had “waited four long years for this moment,” others were less enthused. Protesters gathered outside the Capitol with signs like “No Mussolini Makeover!” and “Facism, Schmashism.”
Final Words That Left Everyone Guessing
Trump closed his speech with a chillingly ambiguous line: “The best is yet to come, and believe me, it’s going to be huge... for me.”
Whether you’re bracing for authoritarian rule or stocking up on MAGA merchandise, one thing is clear: the Trump-Vance administration is set to make history. Or rewrite it.