In an announcement that has baffled political analysts and delighted meme creators worldwide, President Donald Trump has officially named Kamala Harris as the inaugural Secretary of Time. The position, created under the Passage of Time Act, aims to oversee “time-related matters” in the United States, although no one is still sure what that entails.
"She's the Best for the Job"
Speaking from Mar-a-Lago, Trump praised Harris’s unique qualifications for the role.
“She understands time better than anyone,” Trump declared. “Nobody talks about time like she does. It’s incredible—some say it’s almost poetic, maybe too poetic, but that’s okay. She’ll keep America’s clocks running on time.”
Harris has been vocal about her enthusiasm for the position in her weekly column, Kamala’s Kolumn, expressing her belief in the “significance of the passage of time” and her excitement to serve in this historic capacity.
“I am honored and humbled,” Harris said in a statement, “because today is today, and that is truly significant. We must live in today to honor yesterday’s today and prepare for tomorrow’s today.”
What Does the Secretary of Time Do?
Critics of the new department have questioned its necessity, with some calling it a waste of taxpayer dollars. Trump dismissed these concerns, insisting the department will “fix daylight saving time, eliminate being late, and maybe even figure out time travel—who knows? Big things, folks.”
Harris, in her new role, will oversee initiatives such as:
- Synchronizing all U.S. clocks to “Trump Time,” which runs 10 minutes ahead of schedule.
- Hosting “Time Talks,” where citizens can discuss their most productive hours of the day.
- Developing strategies to “win against time zones,” a stated priority of the administration.
A Bipartisan Mystery
While the announcement sparked celebration among Harris’s supporters, others are scratching their heads. Senator Ted Cruz called it “one of the weirdest cabinet appointments in history” but admitted, “At least it’s less controversial than appointing a cat to the Department of Agriculture.”
Trump ended the press conference by declaring, “This is the dawn of a new era. A golden age of time. And we’ve got Kamala, the best, the absolute best, to lead us into it. You’re going to love what she does. Believe me.”
A Watchful Nation
As Harris prepares to take on her new duties, the nation watches with equal parts curiosity and confusion. One thing is certain: with Harris as Secretary of Time, the passage of time has never felt so significant.