WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours into his first day as the 47th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump wasted no time delivering on promises that sent shockwaves of approval through his voter base—and waves of panic through satire writers everywhere.
From the Oval Office, Trump signed a flurry of executive orders aimed at reshaping the country in record time. Among the most significant:
- Recognizing Only Two Genders Exist: A decisive stroke of the pen declared that biology and common sense will now be the official U.S. policy, sparking outrage from activist groups and cheers from everyone else quietly nodding along.
- Leaving the WHO: Trump reaffirmed his disdain for the World Health Organization, labeling it a “globalist disaster” and directing funds back to American healthcare initiatives instead.
- Nulling Birthright Citizenship: Citing the need to protect American sovereignty, Trump ended automatic citizenship for children born to non-citizen parents, promising “legal pathways, not loopholes.”
- Mass Pardons for January 6 Defendants: Declaring them “political prisoners of a rigged system,” Trump signed pardons for all non-violent participants in the January 6 protests, calling their charges “a travesty of justice.”
- Securing the Border: Trump reinstated the wall construction and added an ambitious plan for high-tech surveillance systems, saying, “This time, it’s going to be beautiful and impenetrable.”
A Satirical Dilemma for Not Quite News
While the nation adjusted to these seismic shifts, the staff at Not Quite News found themselves in an unexpected quandary. Historically relying on Trump’s bombastic style and media feuds for material, his sudden streak of decisive, popular governance has left satire writers scrambling.
“We never thought this day would come,” confessed one writer. “We’ve built a business around poking fun at politicians, but how do you satirize someone who’s out here actually fixing things? It’s terrifying.”
Some in the office are already brainstorming, wondering if their future articles might have to be about, gasp, actually getting things done. Others are quietly rooting for Trump to say something outrageous, though his inaugural speech offered little but straightforward promises and optimism.
America’s New Era
As the country adjusts to Trump 2.0, one thing is clear: change is happening, and fast. The president himself summed it up during an impromptu hallway press gaggle, saying, “We’re making America great again—again. And this time, they’re going to love it so much, they won’t know what to do with themselves.”
For now, the team at Not Quite News is grappling with their new reality. If Trump keeps delivering on campaign promises, the website may soon pivot from satire to heartfelt op-eds praising competence. A scary thought indeed.