Opinion: Kamala’s Kolumn – Adjusting to Civilian Life... and Maybe Becoming the Secretary of Time?
By Kamala Harris, Former Vice President of the United States
Hello again, dear readers, and welcome back to another installment of Kamala’s Kolumn! That’s right, the alliteration is still working hard, just like me—adjusting to civilian life. It’s been a journey, let me tell you.
You see, being Vice President was a big job. Like, imagine you’re standing at the intersection of time and space, holding a really big stopwatch, trying to make sure everything stays in sync while occasionally nodding in agreement behind someone giving a long speech. That’s kind of what it felt like. Now? My days are filled with... well, let’s just say I’ve spent an unreasonable amount of time reorganizing my pantry alphabetically. Did you know quinoa comes before rice? Fascinating.
But the transition hasn’t been without its challenges. You go from being one of the most recognized figures in the world to, suddenly, people don’t stand up when you walk into the room. Just last week, I waved at a neighbor, and she didn’t even salute. Talk about humbling!
Now, about this Secretary of Time thing. I know there’s been chatter. Yes, Donald and I had a little conversation. It wasn’t a big deal, really. I simply mentioned that time is the one thing we can never get back—except for maybe those four years of my life when people kept asking me what I actually did. (Spoiler alert: I did a lot! Mostly nodding and strategizing!)
Donald said he appreciated my “unique perspective” on time. He even called me a “real innovator.” I said, “Donald, you’ve got the time, and I’ve got the thoughts about time. Together, we could truly redefine time.” He seemed intrigued, but as of now, it’s all very speculative.
If I were to become Secretary of Time, you can bet I’d make some changes. First, I’d propose a mandatory three-hour lunch break for deep thinking and soul-searching. Second, we’d have an official “Kamala Time”—a time of day dedicated to word salads and intentional pauses to ponder the beauty of existence. Finally, I’d rewrite the Gregorian calendar, because honestly, who decided February only gets 28 days? Everyone deserves more February.
For now, though, I’m content with civilian life, even if I do occasionally walk into Starbucks expecting applause for ordering a chai latte with soy milk. I’m just a regular citizen now, navigating the world one quinoa recipe and potential new government position at a time.
Until next week, remember: time is like a circle. It keeps going around. And when it does, it reminds us of the importance of keeping our pantry in order—alphabetically, of course.
Yours in time,
Kamala
