WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Joe Biden held a press conference yesterday to announce his unprecedented decision to pardon his son, Hunter Biden, for all crimes committed between 2014 and 2024, including federal tax evasion and firearm charges.
In a move that has unsurprisingly stunned the nation, Biden reversed his previous stance, where he had promised to let the judicial process play out, declaring his faith in the system. However, it seems that faith has waned when it comes to his own family.
A Rocky Start: Teeth, Meds, and Mumbles
The press conference got off to a shaky start when Biden approached the podium, ready to deliver his statement. However, attendees were quickly baffled as the President mumbled incoherently for several minutes, making phrases like “uhhh, Hunter’s a good boy, umm” the only discernible words.
Realizing the issue, White House aides stepped in to whisk the President back to the residence, where he reportedly inserted his teeth, took his midday medication, and had a brief nap to "wake up his brain." Refreshed and upright (thanks to his handlers physically holding him up), Biden returned to the podium to deliver his announcement.
"No One Is Above the Law, Except Hunter"
In a moment that will undoubtedly be replayed in political ads for years, Biden proudly declared:
“No one is above the law, except Hunter. Oh, and me. And Jill. In fact, all the Bidens. You know what? I’m going to pardon the entire Biden family! But no one else is above the law, got it?”
Liberal reporters nodded, and White House staffers shuffled their feet expecting nothing less as Biden doubled down on his comments, casually waving away questions about hypocrisy. “The justice system is fine and all,” Biden added, “but, come on, family first!”
AOC Cheers, Conservatives Fume
The decision was met with predictable partisan reactions. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was quick to voice her support, stating, “I fully support any liberal being pardoned for crimes. I mean, why wouldn’t I? They’re fighting for justice and equality! But conservatives? Lock them up. Better yet, rot in prison. Forever.”Ocasio-Cortez went on to reiterate her personal vendetta against January 6 participants, pushing for the death penalty for all involved. “They deserve the death penalty,” she said, “But, let me be clear," she added, “I don’t believe in the death penalty because I don't believe in justice or punishment, but for the January 6er's, kill them all.” AOC remarked before retracting it, “Okay, fine, we’ll just commute their sentences to life, so I can still sleep a little bit at night. You’re welcome.”
Department of Justice: “We Weren’t Going to Prosecute Anyway”
In a not-so-surprising twist, the Department of Justice released a statement shortly after Biden’s announcement, admitting that the pardon may have been unnecessary.
“He didn’t have to pardon Hunter. We weren’t going to prosecute him anyway,” a DOJ spokesperson said. “We've been sitting around waiting for the statute of limitations to expire, but we wanted the public to think we were actively investigating it. Nothing was going to happen.”
Republicans React
Meanwhile, GOP leaders blasted the move, calling it “the most blatant act of nepotism in modern history.” Senator Ted Cruz quipped, “If pardoning your son for tax evasion and gun charges doesn’t set a new low, I don’t know what will. Maybe next week Biden will pardon Hunter’s laptop, too.”
Donald Trump issued a statement on Truth Social: “Joe Biden’s family gets free passes while they witch-hunt ME! Terrible! Hunter gets pardoned, and they’re still after my PERFECT phone calls! Sad!”
What’s Next?
As Biden’s press conference went viral, critics and supporters alike wondered how this would affect his approval ratings. Left wing social media 'influencer' known for his political advocacy and fan-boy love for Biden, Harry Sisson posted on X "He's leaving office soon, so who cares? Why do you Republicans care so much about what Biden does. He is a great, fantastic, wonderful man. He never said he wouldn't pardon Hunter, you all heard that wrong.”
The President ended the press conference by saying, “I’ve done enough talking for today. Where’s my pudding? And someone find Hunter—I need to make sure he hasn’t been using my laptop.”