“Let me tell you about the passage of time... and also, bourbon,” she begins.
In a late-night Facebook Live video that left America both puzzled and entertained, Vice President Kamala Harris appeared visibly tipsy as she addressed the nation in what can only be described as a rambling, heartfelt plea—for a seat in Donald Trump’s second-term cabinet. The stream, now immortalized in countless memes, was titled simply: “UnBourboned.”
The Broadcast: A Journey Through Time, Space, and Kamala’s Stream of Consciousness
The video began with Harris smoking a cigar and holding a glass of what she proudly declared was “a vintage bourbon from… somewhere very specific and important that I can’t remember right now.” She smiled at the camera, swaying slightly as she launched into her characteristic word salad.
“America,” she began, gesturing grandly, “I have been thinking about the passage of time. And how, over time, as time passes, we find ourselves in a place… where time has passed. And, my friends, it hit me: Donald Trump understands time. Like, really understands it. Tremendously. Bigly.”
From there, the Vice President’s monologue became increasingly erratic, jumping from musings on infrastructure to the metaphysics of traffic lights. “Because, you see, when the light is red, you stop. But when it’s green, you go. And isn’t that just life? And Trump—he’s, like, a green light. We need that energy. That… that… zest. That oomph!”
A Cabinet Request Delivered Through a Haze of Bourbon
The crux of the livestream came about 45 minutes in, when Harris paused dramatically, took a long sip of bourbon, and leaned into the camera. “You know what? I don’t care what anyone says—I want to be in his cabinet. Secretary of… I don’t know… Time. Or, wait, is that a real thing? I’m gonna make it a thing.”
She cackled before continuing: “Donald, if you’re watching—and I know you are, because you’re always watching—you’re a phenomenal man. Phenomenal. Like, your hands? So much bigger than people say. Let’s work together. Let’s… let’s make it all great again. Together. Me, you, Melania—we can be a team!”
Ramblings About Everything (and Nothing)
As the livestream continued, Harris touched on a variety of unrelated topics, including:
- Her belief that all cabinets should have rotating shelves because “accessibility is justice.”
- A 10-minute anecdote about buying a “really cute scarf” in Iowa that somehow led her to believe Trump understands middle America better than she does.
- Her plan to “replace Air Force One with a really big Uber, because sharing is caring.”
- A heartfelt shoutout to “the concept of wind,” which she described as “just air on the move—so inspiring.”
America Reacts: Confusion, Hilarity, and Some Sympathy
As the livestream gained traction, viewers flooded the comments section with a mix of reactions.
“Is she okay? This feels like a cry for help,” one concerned commenter wrote.
“She’s just like me after three margaritas. Let her cook!” said another.
A few supporters even encouraged her newfound ambition: “Honestly, Secretary of Time sounds cool. Kamala might be onto something.”
The Morning After: A Statement and Some Regret
By the next morning, the Vice President’s team had scrambled to do damage control, releasing a statement that described the livestream as “an experimental and unsanctioned effort to connect with the American people.” Harris herself tweeted: “Last night, I was unbourboned. My head feels like I just fell out of a coconut tree but, let’s move forward together through the passage of time. Also, no, I don’t actually want to be in Trump’s cabinet. (But Secretary of Time? Maybe.)”
Trump, never one to let an opportunity for mockery pass, posted on Truth Social: “Kamala Harris wants a job in MY cabinet? Sad! But also, maybe? Secretary of Time sounds hilarious. Could be YUGE. We’ll see.”
When asked why she was smoking a cigar and drinking Bourbon, Harris responded, “That's what the cool Republicans do don't they? I'm staying relevant and looking cool doing it.”
A Legacy Sealed by the Internet
While the livestream has since been deleted, it lives on in screen recordings and memes. From T-shirts bearing the slogan “Unburdened by the Bourbon” to TikTok reenactments of her rambling, Kamala Harris’s late-night ode to time, Trump, and traffic lights has cemented itself in political history as one of the strangest—and most entertaining—moments of her career.
And who knows? In the next election cycle, we might just see a campaign for Secretary of Time. After all, in Kamala’s words, “Time is important. And we all have it. Until we don’t.”