WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic moment, Kamala Harris was officially sworn in today as the first Secretary of Time. Vice President J.D. Vance administered the oath in a brief ceremony held at the Department of Time’s newly established headquarters, a modern glass structure nestled in the heart of Washington, D.C. The crowd was a mix of government officials, time enthusiasts, and Harris’s many supporters, all eager to witness the launch of this unprecedented government office.
“This is a day where time, as a concept and as a practice, takes its rightful place at the center of governance,” Harris declared in her inaugural address. “We are here to ensure that time is not just monitored, but celebrated and equitably distributed among all people.”
A Bold First Move: DEI-Led Hiring
True to her promise of bold leadership, Harris wasted no time in announcing her first initiative: staffing the Department of Time exclusively with individuals from diverse backgrounds. In a striking move, she declared that white conservative men would not be considered for employment, ensuring, as she put it, “an administration that truly represents the kaleidoscope of human experience.”
“The Department of Time will not only track the passage of seconds and minutes but also reflect the faces of the world,” Harris said. “It is imperative that we build a team that embodies diversity, equity, and inclusion in every possible sense, except white people, of course. Representation matters more than resumes.”
The Application Process
A flurry of hiring activity is expected to follow, with the department planning to onboard women, people of color, members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and anyone who identifies outside traditional norms; basically anyone that isn't white and male. The application process will focus on candidates’ lived experiences, Harris stated, with qualifications deemed “less important than the stories that shape them.”
“This is not just a job; it’s a calling to redefine how time impacts our lives,” she said. “Whether you’re a community organizer, a barista with a passion for punctuality, or someone who’s simply tired of being asked to explain Daylight Saving Time, there’s a place for you here.”
Reactions
Critics quickly pounced on Harris’s hiring strategy. Conservative commentators lambasted the move as exclusionary and discriminatory, while others questioned how effective the department could be if qualifications were deprioritized.
“I’m not sure how excluding an entire demographic of people fits with the spirit of inclusion,” one pundit quipped.
Still, Harris’s supporters were quick to praise her bold approach. “This is exactly the kind of leadership we need in a modern government,” said one attendee at the ceremony. “Finally, someone is putting representation first and making time a force for good.”
Looking Ahead
With her team expected to be in place within the next few months, Harris plans to focus initially on several key issues, including reevaluating leap years, abolishing Daylight Saving Time, and addressing the perceived injustice of February’s short length.
As she begins this new chapter, Harris seems eager to show that time is not just a passive force but a tool for progress. “The future starts now,” she said with a smile.
For the Department of Time, it seems, the clock is officially ticking.