In a bold new initiative to combat climate change, a coalition of environmental activists has proposed an unconventional solution: breathe less. The suggestion comes after a groundbreaking report highlighted the shocking contribution of human respiration to global CO2 levels—an estimated 2.3 pounds of carbon dioxide per person, per day.
"Every Breath You Take..."
“Every exhale is another puff of carbon dioxide being added to the atmosphere,” said Greta Green, spokesperson for the group Carbon Conscious Breathers. “While we can’t stop breathing altogether—yet—we need to rethink how much oxygen we’re really entitled to consume.”
The group’s proposal includes recommendations for individuals to consciously slow their breathing, particularly during non-essential activities such as relaxing, laughing, or sighing in exasperation.
“Deep breathing exercises and yoga? Forget it,” Green continued. “We need shallow, minimalist breathing. Less Zen, more save-the-planet.”
A Breath of Fresh Criticism
The proposal has, unsurprisingly, been met with backlash. Scientists have pointed out that the amount of CO2 produced by breathing is negligible compared to industrial emissions, transportation, and deforestation.
Dr. Hugh Mann, a respiratory specialist, dismissed the idea as absurd. “The real problem is pollution from fossil fuels, not the fact that you sighed too hard when your Wi-Fi went out.”
Even some environmentalists are skeptical. “This is a slippery slope,” said eco-activist Willow Fern. “First they come for our breaths, then what’s next—asking trees to photosynthesize less?”
Extreme Measures
Despite the criticism, Carbon Conscious Breathers is doubling down on its mission. The group is working on a public awareness campaign featuring slogans like, “Inhale Responsibly” and “Think Before You Exhale.”
Workshops are also in development to teach advanced “CO2-reducing” breathing techniques, such as holding your breath for as long as possible while waiting in line or skipping every third breath during mundane conversations.
The Big Picture
While some call the initiative a breath of fresh air in the climate debate, others say it’s just hot air. One New Yorker interviewed for this story shrugged, saying, “I live in Manhattan. Between the smog and the stress, I’m barely breathing as it is.”
For now, the suggestion remains just that—a suggestion. But if activists have their way, taking a deep breath might soon become a luxury we can’t afford.