LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – In a surprising turn of events, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced it is considering the inclusion of competitive complaining as a new sport for the 2028 Los Angeles Summer Games.
"A Global Phenomenon"
“Complaining is a universal skill,” IOC President Thomas Bach said in a statement. “From grumbling about the weather to criticizing customer service, people everywhere have refined the art of whining to an almost athletic level. It's time we recognized that dedication on the world stage.”
The proposal has sparked both excitement and, naturally, complaints.
“I’ve been training for this my whole life!" said Beverly Johnson, a self-proclaimed complaining enthusiast from New York. “My ability to find flaws in everything from overpriced coffee to the inconsistency of Wi-Fi speeds is unmatched. I’m going for gold.”
How It Would Work
The sport would feature individual and team events, with competitors graded on a range of factors:
- Creativity: The uniqueness of the complaint.
- Volume: Both literal and metaphorical.
- Pettiness: Points for making mountains out of molehills.
- Emotional Performance: Tears, sighs, and dramatic eye-rolls all contribute to the score.
Judges would represent various cultural backgrounds to ensure fairness, given the diverse complaining styles around the world.
“For example,” said Bach, “the French excel in elegant philosophical whining, while Americans have perfected customer service rants. British competitors are expected to dominate passive-aggressive muttering.”
Potential Stars of the Sport
The potential roster of Olympic hopefuls already has some big names attached:
- Whoopi Goldberg, whose ability to turn any debate into a masterclass in racism, grievance and victimhood.
- Gordon Ramsay, a natural competitor thanks to his unparalleled skill in berating undercooked risotto.
- Meghan Markle, whose renowned for finding oppression in even the cushiest of castles.
- Kanye West, whose public grievances about everything from award shows to sneaker collaborations have made headlines globally.
- Piers Morgan, whose lifelong commitment to complaining about anything that crosses his path is the stuff of legend.
- Joy Behar, who can find something wrong with absolutely anything, anywhere, anytime.
- Rosie O'Donnell, a true trailblazer in the field of relentless grumbling.
Not Without Its Critics
Of course, the proposal has already drawn criticism.
“This is ridiculous,” said a former Olympic gold medalist in gymnastics. “Athletes train their entire lives to master their sport. Complaining doesn’t even require physical effort!”
In response, a representative of the new sport fired back: “Try standing in line for three hours at the DMV and then tell me complaining isn’t a test of endurance.”
The Spirit of the Games
Supporters argue that competitive complaining aligns perfectly with the Olympic spirit.
“This is about more than whining,” Bach explained. “It’s about unity. The world may disagree on politics, culture, and economics, but everyone can agree that airline legroom is an outrage.”
Looking Ahead
If the sport is approved, the IOC plans to host the first-ever global qualifying tournament next year, sponsored by Yelp and X.
“Prepare for greatness,” said Beverly Johnson. “Or, if you’re not prepared, at least have a good excuse. That’s half the battle in competitive complaining.”
With grumbling set to potentially take center stage, 2028 might be the first Olympics where fans cheer for the loudest boos.