With the 2024 election behind her and the bitter reality setting in, Vice President Kamala Harris will not be stepping into the White House come January 20th, 2025. As she watches President-elect Trump take the oath of office, Harris faces a daunting question: What’s next? Here are some things we think she shoulder consider for her next career move after being ousted from the top spot in the country:
1. Professional Word Salad Consultant
Kamala Harris has become known for her mastery of the art of the word salad—speaking at length while somehow avoiding a straight answer. It’s a skill many wish they had in the business world. Imagine the possibilities: offering tailored consultations for CEOs, politicians, or anyone looking to avoid committing to an actual plan. “Kamala, what’s the solution to the housing crisis?” “Well, the housing crisis is a challenge, and we must think about the challenges and address them in a way that is forward-thinking, in partnership with the people who understand the people. And we’re gonna work on it.” Perfect!
2. Host of “Talk to Kamala” Podcast
With a knack for saying things that don’t really say anything at all, Kamala would be the perfect host for a podcast. Each episode could feature her diving deep into topics like “How to Answer a Question Without Answering It” or “How to Make Everything Sound Like a Great Idea Without Giving Any Details.” The show would be a hit, attracting fans who enjoy hearing about things, but never actually hearing anything useful.
3. Kamala's Yoga Instructor for Ambiguous Poses
Yoga has become a mainstream form of fitness and mindfulness, but why not add a twist? Kamala could launch a unique yoga class where the poses are as flexible as her speeches. “Today’s pose is the Confusing Cobra, where we’ll stretch and twist our bodies and our intentions—just like we do with policy.” The class would teach people how to sit in positions that leave you uncertain whether you're doing it right, but hey, at least you tried.
4. Public Speaking Coach for Politicians in Election Year
Kamala has consistently avoided making a point at any time during her tenure as Vice President, making her an expert at public speaking without actually communicating anything of substance. This could translate perfectly into a coaching role for other politicians who want to say a lot without saying much at all. Just like Kamala, they'd leave audiences wondering, “What did she just say?”
5. Director of Diversity for the United States
Diversity, equity, and inclusion are at the forefront of national discussions, and no one embodies these ideas like Kamala Harris—who proudly represents both women and minorities. Who better to lead efforts for diversity than someone who once ran for president and ended up as vice president with a résumé that includes little more than checking boxes? Kamala’s new title would be 'Diversity Czar,' ensuring that everyone’s included... just as long as they agree with her.
6. Ambassador of Inconsistent Government Messaging
With her ability to communicate mixed messages and vague directives, Kamala could serve as an ambassador to foreign countries. Her speeches would leave world leaders feeling both informed and confused—perfect for diplomacy in today’s polarized world. Imagine her addressing the UN: “We need to work together to ensure that every nation is on the same page, but also on different pages. And by working together, we will do great things, but only if we acknowledge the work that needs to be done.”
7. Social Media Influencer with No Clear Focus
Why not capitalize on the influencer trend? Kamala could document her journey of “empowerment” through Instagram, sharing photos of her reading obscure books, attending conferences, and enjoying coffee while explaining how important it is to be constantly busy. Her hashtag could be #TimeForAction (or #LetsDoSomething), but the catch is, no one will know what’s happening, ever.
8. Clown in a Traveling Circus
With her flair for saying a lot without delivering anything, Kamala could easily make the transition into the world of clowning—no need for a red nose or big shoes, just the same level of unpredictability. Imagine her juggling words, performing tightrope acts over policies, and dazzling audiences with her ability to never land on a clear solution to any problem.
Whatever the future holds for Kamala Harris, one thing is for certain: she’s never short of opportunities to confuse, entertain, and inspire those around her. She may be leaving office, but her influence will undoubtedly remain. Just don’t ask her to explain how.
9. Columnist for Not Quite News
Kamala could take her experience with word salads and nonsensical speeches to a new platform—Not Quite News. After all, she’s already built a career on spinning complex, rambling statements that somehow never actually say anything. Her column could be called “Kamala’s Kolumn,” where each week she dazzles readers with her knack for discussing pressing issues without ever offering a single clear opinion. It would be an instant hit—after all, who wouldn’t want a weekly reminder of what it’s like to have an entire paragraph that sounds important but says absolutely nothing?
10. Secretary of Time
Rumors abound that former Vice President Kamala Harris might have her eye on a new, high-profile job in President Trump’s administration: Secretary of Time. The Department of Time could be the perfect fit for Kamala, whose ability to speak in non-linear, fragmented thoughts could be instrumental in navigating the complex, theoretical landscape of time itself. Given her past experience in justifying every policy with no clear timeline, it seems only fitting that she would now hold the title of Time Keeper. It might even be the perfect opportunity to ask the critical question: “What time is it? Well, time’s always on our side… isn’t it?”
Time will tell if this rumor becomes reality, but for now, it’s a strong contender for the perfect job that truly honors Harris’s unique skill set.
11. Stay Unemployed and Collect a Humongous Government Pension
Or, as a fallback plan, Kamala could always stay unemployed and claim her humongous Senate and Vice Presidential pension. After all, the taxpayers have generously funded her ability to do absolutely nothing all day, so why not keep cashing in on those sweet taxpayer dollars? It’s a lifestyle she’s already accustomed to, and there’s no change in sight. Why work when you can just take it easy, live the dream, and still have access to the finest government-funded perks? It might not be the most exciting option, but at least it’s one she’s already mastered.