LONDON, ENGLAND — In a bizarre twist reflecting London’s escalating knife crime epidemic, a new trend seems to have emerged: knife stabbing as the preferred greeting. What began as an alarming crime wave has now morphed into a peculiar cultural phenomenon, with stabbings becoming so commonplace they are being humorously likened to an alternative to the handshake.
From Blades to Bonds
Social commentators have quipped that Londoners, once known for their polite yet distant demeanor, have embraced the knife as a form of 'connection.' “It’s really a metaphor for modern London,” said one sociologist. “Sharp, invasive, and guaranteed to leave an impression—literally.”
Some locals have taken to carrying dull butter knives to “lighten the mood” of these encounters, arguing it makes the new custom less lethal and more symbolic. Others, however, say this only dilutes the authenticity of the act.
Stabbings on the Rise
Data shows that stabbings in London have skyrocketed in recent years, but instead of grappling with the issue, many residents seem to have normalized it. One resident, Alfie Briggs, joked: “You don’t really know someone until they’ve shanked you in the ribs. It’s just how we say hello now.”
Even local government officials appear nonchalant. Mayor Sadiq Khan recently downplayed the issue, stating, “It’s simply part of living in a world-class city. London is innovative, and this is just another expression of that creativity.”
Corporate Adoption
The trend has even seeped into professional settings. A recruitment agency in Canary Wharf has reportedly introduced “knife-safe zones,” where plastic utensils are handed out to new hires as part of onboarding. “It’s a modern icebreaker,” claimed one HR manager. “Why shake hands when you can leave a lasting mark on a colleague?”
Public Campaign
While police have tried to address the epidemic, their recent campaign—“A Fist Bump is Fine, Please Don’t Knife”—has met with limited success. Critics argue the campaign fails to understand the city’s evolving culture, while supporters say it’s a step in the right direction.
In the meantime, Londoners are advised to wear extra layers and maybe invest in stab-proof vests if they wish to keep up with the latest social customs. After all, it’s better to be part of the tradition than to accidentally insult someone by offering a hand instead of a blade.