In a groundbreaking study released today, scientists have uncovered the shocking truth about obesity: it’s not a matter of choice. Researchers at the Institute of Gastronomic Sciences (IGS) have identified a newly classified medical condition called "Cheeseburger Syndrome" (CBS), which compels individuals to reach for a triple bacon cheeseburger without hesitation. The findings are set to shake up everything we thought we knew about weight and free will.
Addressing the Elephants in the Room
Dr. Patty Kake, lead researcher at IGS, explained the disorder during a press conference, “Cheeseburger Syndrome is a neurological condition triggered by the irresistible smell of melted cheese and grilled patties. It overrides all self-control, leaving sufferers helpless in the face of fries and extra-large milkshakes. It's time we stop judging them for 'super-sizing' their meals—it's not a choice; it's science.”
The study also revealed that CBS disproportionately affects individuals who live near fast food chains, own deep fryers, or enjoy the scent of freshly baked buns.
A Fat Lot of Progress Needed
The research has sparked debate among the fatphobic community, who have long claimed that "calories in, calories out" is the only formula for weight management. Activists are now demanding that fatphobia be made a punishable offense.
“Fatphobes should face hard time for their crimes,” said Tanya Buttermore, founder of the "Big Boned Brigade." “Instead of fat-shaming, we need fat-appreciating. How many more elephants in the room need to be addressed before we make this a societal priority?”
The group has proposed legislation to introduce mandatory empathy training, titled "Think Before You Jiggle," aimed at reducing microaggressions like offering salads or making unsolicited diet recommendations.
The Weight of the Problem
While many are embracing this new understanding, skeptics have accused the scientific community of sugar-coating the issue. Critics claim that Cheeseburger Syndrome is simply an excuse to justify unhealthy lifestyles.
However, Dr. Kake was quick to point out that judgment only makes the problem worse, “Imagine being trapped in a body that craves a McFlurry every time you walk past a McDonald’s. For those with CBS, every day is a battle, and the scale isn’t tipping in their favor.”
Putting Fatphobes in the Hot Seat
Legal scholars are already working on draft legislation that would categorize fatphobia as a hate crime. Critics argue that these laws would be hard to enforce, but advocates are undeterred. “Prison is exactly where fatphobes belong,” said Buttermore. “Maybe a few years on a prison diet will teach them some humility—and possibly empathy for people who can’t help but eat second breakfast.”
No Ifs, Just Butts
The study’s authors are optimistic that their findings will lead to a more inclusive society. Dr. Kake ended her speech with a hopeful message, “We must stop judging people by the size of their plates and start focusing on the size of our hearts. Together, we can ensure that Cheeseburger Syndrome sufferers have the resources—and extra ketchup—they need to thrive.”
For now, society must chew on this new information and digest its implications. After all, there’s a lot at steak.