“He’s got the heart of a Biden,” the President said during a surprise press conference.
A Pardon for the Ages
The announcement came during a casual, unplanned press conference in the Press Briefing Room. President Biden, leaning over the podium with his signature squint, declared, “Look, folks. When I read this guy’s case file, I thought, ‘Hey, this fella sounds familiar. Real familiar.’ Turns out, he’s just like my boy Hunter—a little rough around the edges but a good soul. And if you can't love a guy like that, well, you might just be a malarkey enthusiast.”
The man in question, 32-year-old Keith “Sketchy Keith” McAllister, whom has never held down a job and has 12 children from three different women, was facing a 15-year sentence after a series of crimes that included dealing recreational drugs from his mom’s basement, claiming he owned 15 cats as dependents on his taxes, and waving an unregistered handgun at a squirrel he said “looked at him funny.”
The President’s Rationale
“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,” Biden explained to the press. “America is about second chances. And sometimes, third chances. Or fourth chances. Listen, this guy just got caught up in the system, like so many of us do. It’s not his fault he can’t file his taxes right—have you ever tried TurboTax? It’s harder than a crossword puzzle, and I’m pretty good at those!”
A Relatable Story
President Biden admitted that Keith’s case file hit close to home. “Look, I’m not saying he’s perfect. He’s made mistakes. Big ones. But who hasn’t, huh? Back in my day, we called it ‘youthful exuberance.’ Today, they call it ‘a felony.’ Progress, huh?”
The President went on to praise McAllister’s “scrappy, can-do attitude,” noting that Keith’s habit of selling crack cocaine at neighborhood poker games reminded him of Hunter’s entrepreneurial spirit.
“Hunter once sold me a watch he found on a beach,” Biden said, chuckling. “It didn’t work, but hey, it’s the effort that counts.”
Keith’s Reaction: Grateful, but Confused
When reporters caught up with McAllister at his mother’s house, he was both overjoyed but bewildered. “I can’t believe the President knows who I am,” he said, tearing up. “But also, uh… did he just admit this was because I reminded him of his son? That’s… flattering, I guess?”
Keith’s mother was equally thrilled. “Finally, I can have my basement back,” she said.
Critics Respond: “America Is a Sitcom Now”
Critics of the President wasted no time in condemning the pardon. Senator Mitch McConnell released a statement calling the decision “yet another example of Biden’s nepotism-adjacent governance,” adding, “What’s next? Pardon every guy named Keith because they remind him of someone in his family?”
Ben Shapiro, meanwhile, dedicated an entire segment to what he called the “Hunterfication of America,” claiming, “If you commit a crime and your name happens to rhyme with ‘blunder,’ congratulations—you’re free to go!”
White House Doubles Down
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre defended the decision at a press briefing. “The President believes in compassion, redemption, and, frankly, seeing the humanity in everyone—especially those who evoke fond memories of family gatherings and questionable business ventures.”
When asked if similar pardons could be expected in the future, Jean-Pierre smiled. “If you’ve got a criminal record and a Biden-like charm, send us your application. No promises, but the President is always open to a good redemption story.”
Keith's Post-Pardon Plans
Keith, now a free man, says he’s looking forward to turning his life around. “I’m thinking about starting a podcast,” he told reporters. “Or maybe opening a vape shop-slash-tax-consulting business. You know, something that really honors my roots.”
As for the President, Biden concluded his announcement with a warm smile and a wink. “Look, folks, this is what America’s all about: finding common ground, making amends, and cutting a guy some slack when he reminds you of someone you love. Now, who’s up for some ice cream?” Biden said, before reportedly making his way back to the Oval Office to review more pardon petitions.
Keith reportedly sent a thank-you card to the White House, along with a homemade mixtape labeled “Songs to Pardon By.”