In a groundbreaking—or rather, road-breaking—announcement, local authorities in New York City have confirmed that the completion date for the city’s long-running roadworks project has been set for the year 3000. Residents, accustomed to the orange cones and perpetual delays, shrugged off the news, with one commuter quipping, “Honestly, I’d be more shocked if they finished before the apocalypse.”
The project to modernize roads, which began in 1978, has evolved into a sprawling labyrinth of half-dug trenches, misaligned traffic lights, and mysterious unmarked detours. Initially projected to take six months, the timeline was extended indefinitely due to unforeseen delays, including budget overruns, mysterious sinkholes, and a contractor strike rumored to be caused by a lost game of Uno.
“Nothing New to Us”
Local driver Paula Jenkins said she no longer remembers a time before the roadworks. “It’s like that annoying relative who came for Christmas and never left,” she said. “At this point, it’s just part of life. My kids think traffic cones are permanent street decorations.”
George Miller, a local history teacher, noted that the roadworks have outlasted four mayors, three city planning commissions, and a small family of raccoons who had been squatting in an abandoned cement mixer. “They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but even they didn’t take this long,” he added.
The Plan for 3000
City officials insist that the millennium-long timeline is actually a sign of progress. “We’re committed to quality over speed,” said Traffic Infrastructure Manager Linda Rogers. “By the year 3000, we’re confident this city will be the envy of future hovercrafts everywhere.”
When asked why the timeline was so ambitious, Rogers cited the need for “extensive testing” and “aligning with intergalactic planning standards.” She also hinted at plans to incorporate groundbreaking technologies like pothole-resistant asphalt and self-aware traffic cones that apologize for delays.
A Cultural Phenomenon
The roadworks have become something of a local legend, inspiring memes, folk songs, and even a competitive scavenger hunt to count the number of unused backhoes parked along the site. One enterprising resident, Trevor Duncan, has turned the delay into a lucrative business by offering “guided tours of the roadworks.”
“I take people around the cones, explain the history of each traffic jam, and even show them the exact spot where the workers stopped for a lunch break in 2004,” he said. “It’s educational—and therapeutic.”
Unwavering Patience
Despite the absurd timeline, most locals remain unbothered. “It’s fine,” said Jason Caldwell, a long-haul truck driver. “By the time they finish, I’ll either be retired or uploaded into the Matrix. Either way, I’m not worried.”
For now, the orange cones and flashing detour signs continue to stand as stoic reminders that progress is a journey—albeit one that’s taking longer than recorded human history.