In a move that has sparked outrage among traditionalists and joy among those allergic to festive cheer, the United States Office of Holiday Oversight has officially canceled Christmas for 2024. The decision comes after months of heated debate over whether a holiday steeped in Christian tradition could ever truly be inclusive in today’s hyper-sensitive cultural landscape.
Why the Ban?
According to a spokesperson for the office, the decision was made to “foster inclusivity and ensure that no one feels marginalized by a holiday they don’t celebrate.” The spokesperson added, “Christmas, with its overt religious undertones, has long been a source of discomfort for non-Christians. From the nativity scenes to Santa’s blatant favoritism towards well-behaved Christian children, it’s time we moved toward a more neutral approach to the holiday season.”
Instead of Christmas, the office has proposed a new, secular celebration called “Holiday Neutrality Day.” The event will feature a series of activities that are guaranteed not to offend anyone, such as assembling Ikea furniture and watching instructional videos on how to recycle properly.
Santa Speaks Out
Not even Santa Claus escaped the holiday guillotine. In a rare public statement, the jolly old icon expressed his disappointment, “I’ve worked hard for centuries to bring joy to the world, and now I’m being told that my red suit is too ‘Christian-adjacent.’ What am I supposed to do, hand out tofu and kale in a beige tracksuit?”
Backlash from All Sides
The backlash has been swift and severe. Christian leaders have condemned the decision as an attack on religious freedom, while even non-Christians have expressed confusion over the move. Raj Patel, a Hindu software engineer in California, remarked:
“I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I love the lights, the cookies, and the days off work. Why ruin a good thing?”
Meanwhile, retail giants like Walmart and Amazon have reported a sharp decline in holiday-themed sales, with many stores hurriedly rebranding their Christmas sections as “Winter Gift Emporiums.”
An Unlikely Alliance
The cancellation has even united unlikely allies. A coalition of atheists, agnostics, and devout Christians has formed to protest the decision, holding signs that read, “Keep Christmas Weird” and “Don’t Cancel Claus.”
What’s Next?
With Christmas officially off the table, questions are being raised about the fate of other holidays. Easter, Ramadan, and even Halloween are reportedly under review for being “potentially exclusionary.”
For now, those longing for festive cheer will have to settle for celebrating Holiday Neutrality Day with a non-offensive meal of plain rice and water.
So, pour one out for Christmas. It’s gone for now—but much like a Mariah Carey Christmas album, it’s likely to resurface whether we like it or not.