PORTLAND, OR — A small liberal enclave in Portland has been left reeling after its decision to defund the police led to skyrocketing crime rates and a noticeable absence of law enforcement during emergencies. The town, which championed the defund-the-police movement amid pressure from Black Lives Matter activists, is now grappling with the harsh reality of their choice.
“We thought we were creating a safer, more equitable community,” said City Council member Jordan Perkins, who spearheaded the defunding effort. “But now it’s like the Purge out here. People are stealing catalytic converters during brunch. It’s chaos!”
A Bold Decision Backfires
In 2021, the town's City Council voted to slash the police budget by 85%, redirecting funds toward community programs such as poetry therapy circles and artisanal basket-weaving classes aimed at "addressing the root causes of crime." The move was hailed by progressive activists as a model for other towns to follow.
“We were on the cutting edge of justice reform,” said Perkins. “We believed a police-free utopia was within reach.”
Fast forward three years, and the town's crime statistics paint a grim picture:
- Carjackings: Up 400%.
- Home invasions: Up 300%.
- Chicken shop burglaries: Up an inexplicable 800%.
A Town Cries for Help
As crime spiraled out of control, desperate residents began calling the police for help—only to discover that their force was no longer equipped to respond. With a skeleton crew of officers left, most calls for assistance go unanswered.
“I called 911 when someone tried to steal my hybrid,” said resident Emily Waters. “They told me to file a report online and wished me good luck. I don’t want luck—I want my Prius back!”
Another resident, Alan Thomas, expressed frustration when his request for police intervention during a robbery was met with silence. “We were told we don’t need cops because we’d have community mediators. But those mediators are nowhere to be found when someone’s smashing your windows!”
Leadership Responds
The town’s leadership has scrambled to respond to growing unrest among residents. At a heated town hall meeting, Mayor Ted Wheeler urged patience and promised to "reimagine safety once again."
“We understand your frustrations, but dismantling systemic oppression takes time,” Wheeler said. “In the meantime, we encourage you to take self-defense classes and form neighborhood patrols. Empower yourselves!”
Critics have accused Wheeler of being out of touch. “We’ve reimagined safety, alright,” said local business owner Rick Johnson. “It looks like a guy with a crowbar trying to ‘reimagine’ my cash register.”
Looking Forward
Despite the chaos, town leaders remain committed to their vision of a police-free society, although some are now quietly considering increasing the police budget by a modest 5%—a proposal that activists have already labeled “a betrayal of progress.”
For now, residents are left navigating the dystopian reality of their decisions. Some have taken matters into their own hands by installing personal security systems or forming informal safety groups.
“I just want to live somewhere safe,” said Thomas. “And apparently, that place isn’t here anymore.”
As the town grapples with its predicament, it serves as a cautionary tale for other cities considering similar measures: be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it.