In a political twist that has left Britons scratching their heads and petitioning furiously, Prime Minister Keir Starmer has reportedly ignored a 3-million-signature petition demanding a new general election. His excuse? A packed schedule of leisurely lunches with former Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
"Democracy? Sorry, I’m at Dessert."
The petition, calling for an immediate election to “restore faith in British democracy,” has been gathering steam for weeks. But when questioned about it, Downing Street issued a baffling response: “The Prime Minister is unavailable to comment as he’s currently sharing a sticky toffee pudding with Boris Johnson.”
Starmer’s aides defended his actions, claiming the lunch meetings were “of utmost national importance.” A spokesperson elaborated: “There’s a lot to discuss—Brexit, climate change, the proper way to butter a crumpet. You know, pressing issues.”
Boris and Keir: BFFs Over Beef Wellington?
Political insiders suggest the duo has bonded over their mutual love of fine dining and questionable optics. An anonymous source revealed: “It’s like an awkward rom-com. One minute they’re arguing over policy, the next they’re sharing a cheese board.”
Critics, however, are less amused. “The country is in chaos, and he’s off having lunch with Boris Johnson? It’s like the fire department going to a barbecue instead of putting out a fire,” fumed one disgruntled voter.
Petitioners Left on Read
As the petition’s numbers climbed, so did the frustration of its supporters. “Three million signatures, and not even a glance? My Amazon reviews get more attention,” said Karen Thompson, a resident of Sheffield.
Activists attempted to deliver the petition to 10 Downing Street but were intercepted by a delivery driver who mistook it for an Uber Eats order. “It was a big pile of papers,” said the driver. “I figured it was just an enormous takeaway. These politicians love their grub.”
Starmer Responds—Eventually
After public outcry reached a boiling point, Starmer finally addressed the controversy, albeit indirectly. In an interview outside a gastropub, he explained: “The lunches are a chance to reach across the aisle—or in Boris’s case, reach for the last chip. I believe in building bridges, even if they’re made of pastry.”
When pressed on the petition, Starmer shrugged and quipped, “Well, if they wanted my attention, they should’ve attached it to a menu.”
Voters’ Take
The spectacle has left many Brits divided. While some appreciate Starmer’s attempt to “civilize politics” through culinary diplomacy, others are less forgiving. “I voted for change, not for him to swap soufflé recipes with Boris,” grumbled a London commuter.
Still, some see a silver lining. “If they’re busy eating, they’re not making things worse,” joked a pub landlord.
What's Next?
With public pressure mounting and lunches continuing, it remains unclear when—or if—Starmer will address the petition. In the meantime, rumors swirl about their next culinary adventure. A tipster claims they’ve booked a table at a posh seafood restaurant, with Starmer reportedly saying, “Let them eat lobster.”
"Once we’ve sorted out dessert, I’ll circle back on the election," Starmer promised. "It’ll be a real menu of options, if you know what I mean."
It seems that in modern British politics, the way to a leader’s heart—or their agenda—is through their stomach.