WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what is being described as the “yet another pardon by the President,” President Joe Biden has issued a full presidential pardon to Dr. Anthony Fauci, the former director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. The pardon comes mere weeks before Biden’s term ends, and according to sources inside the White House, it’s “just in case.”
Speaking at a hastily scheduled press conference, Biden declared, “You never know when you might need a backup plan. Dr. Fauci did his best, folks. And who knows? Maybe some of the things that went down during COVID weren’t exactly... on the level. So, just in case—pardon granted.”
A ‘Preventative’ Measure
The pardon raises eyebrows, especially considering that Fauci has faced criticism over his handling of the pandemic. Questions around mask mandates, lockdowns, and flip-flopping recommendations have left many Americans puzzled about Fauci’s legacy. But Biden, ever the optimist, isn’t letting any of that get in the way of what he calls “preemptive mercy.”
“You see, I’m not just pardoning Fauci because I think he did an amazing job,” Biden continued, holding his trademark aviators and squinting in the bright lights. “It’s more about making sure no one throws him under the bus. It’s like when I pardoned my son, Hunter. You just never know when it’s gonna be necessary.”
Political Fallout? Not Here.
The timing of the pardon seems somewhat curious, considering Fauci’s lack of legal issues at present. “It’s really more of a precautionary thing,” one anonymous White House staffer explained. “With all the talk of investigations into COVID mishandling, we thought, ‘Better safe than sorry.’ I mean, who knows what could come out in the next few months?”
Conservative critics are already making noise about the move, calling it yet another attempt to cover up mismanagement. “Why is he pardoning Fauci? What are they hiding?” one right-wing pundit tweeted. “What’s next, a pardon for every bureaucrat who signed a Zoom call during the pandemic?”
A Generous Gesture to an Old Friend
Fauci, for his part, expressed gratitude for the pardon, albeit in a somewhat cryptic statement. “It’s good to know that some people recognize the unprecedented challenges we faced during the pandemic,” he said. “A little late, but it’s appreciated.”
In an exclusive statement to the media, Fauci confirmed that he would be stepping down from his role at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, focusing instead on “COVID-related speaking engagements, book tours, and trying to figure out what the heck actually happened in those early days.”
“I’ve learned a lot from this whole experience,” Fauci added, his voice reflecting both relief and weariness. “One thing’s for sure: I never expected to be pardoned after spending so many years in the public eye. But hey, it’s Washington. Anything can happen.”
Fauci’s Future Plans
While Biden’s decision to pardon Fauci raised more than a few eyebrows, the pardon might actually set Fauci up for some lucrative opportunities. Industry insiders are already speculating that Fauci could pivot into a career as a paid spokesperson for various pharmaceutical companies. “People like Fauci, they’re invaluable in a marketing campaign,” said one PR expert. “He’s got name recognition, and now, with a pardon in his back pocket, he’s got nothing to lose.”
As Biden wraps up his presidency, it seems he’s pulling out all the stops to ensure that no one is left behind. From his son to Keith, a random guy from Delaware, and now Dr. Fauci, the outgoing president is making sure that his administration’s legacy remains... unpredictable.
In the end, Biden’s final act of his presidency might just be summed up in one sentence: “You never know what could happen, so it’s always better to be safe than sorry.”
And like most people that do the wrong thing and are never held accountable, Dr. Fauci is officially off the hook.