More Americans than ever are making medical decisions based on advice they receive from social media, cable TV commercials, and celebrity doctors. Sensing the underlying need as well as the money to be made in addressing this need, NQP Media has started production on a new cable channel, Diagnose It Myself, or DIM.
Executives at the new channel have high expectations based on the estimated number of DIM viewers in the US alone. Based on polls of these likely viewers, it seems the majority of cable TV subscribers can already be considered as ideal DIM customers. A spokesperson for the new channel said, “We have seen a rise in people willing to self-diagnose based on what they see on TV, on the internet, or in their friends’ Facebook posts. This was enough for us to go after the growing DIM demographic.”
“People see all these prescription drug ads with smiling, attractive, virile men and beautiful women. Then they go into their doctor’s office for a visit, and all they see are a bunch of old farts who talk too loud into their cell phones. This is often enough to get people to think of those commercials and decide they would rather have what the virile guy or beautiful gal is having.”
The spokesperson continued, “The people we are courting have already demonstrated that they have a DIM approach to healthcare. They ask themselves if they really need blood tests to tell if they need more testosterone when the number of left swipes in Tinder can reveal that they do. And who needs someone with a medical degree to tell us that we are depressed? Of course, we are depressed. All of our friends are posting pictures of their last foodie experience, or paragliding adventure while we are using a coupon to get the two-for-one deal at Arby’s? We are aware that we are depressed and thanks to the internet we also know what medications will best complement our desired lifestyle.”
Already critics are saying that this new network will do more harm than good. They cite the years of study required to become a doctor. DIM executives counter this argument by pointing to the centuries of accumulated wisdom behind healing crystals, aromatherapy, homeopathic remedies and any item of clothing with a trace amount of copper.
Chief Medical Officer for the new network, Dr. Robert Langdon, predicted great things for the future. In a recent statement he declared, “Given the number of Himalayan salt lamps in my neighborhood alone, I’d say there are plenty of people who are DIM but just don’t know it.”
Potential side effects of self-diagnosis include: confusion, restlessness, headache, nausea, vomiting, acne, drowsiness, dizziness, upset stomach, constipation, diarrhea, loss of coordination, fainting, a tendency to listen to talk radio followed by agitation or hallucinations, vampirism, depression – great and otherwise – usually preceded by a recession, rainbow-colored urine, constipation & diarrhea, hair loss, hair growth, halitosis, flatulence, abdominal bloating, recreational boating, castle moating, weight gain, diarrhea & constipation, blurred vision, Double Vision with or without Foreigner, becoming addicted to love, swine fever, scarlet fever, yellow fever, white line fever, gold fever, cabin fever, night fever, Friday Night Fever, Saturday Night Fever, jungle fever, cat scratch fever, boogie fever, homesicknesses, seasickness, spider veins, Spiderman veins, the blues, pinkeye, redeye, black eyes, sad eyes, hungry eyes, stink eye, wandering eyes, Betty Davis eyes, lying eyes, blue eyes crying in the rain, sore eyes, aye-ayes, headaches, body aches, tummy aches, earaches, diarrhea & constipation & more diarrhea, bubonic plague, psoriasis, near-death experiences, post-death experiences, death, and melting when exposed to water.