It has recently come to our attention that there is an email being distributed on the internet that purports to be a message from England’s monarch to the American people. In the email titled, “A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN” the writer claims that they are revoking our independence and establishing 15 “rules” that should take “immediate effect.” At NQN the staff takes a message like this as seriously as we take anything. That is why in this opinion piece we have prepared a response to the Queen. If you have not yet read the original message, you can find a copy here.
A RESPONSE TO THE QUEEN
To the members of the anachronistic monarchy of England and your subjects.
In light of the last two hundred years, we hereby give notice that we are going to ignore your attempt to revoke our independence. We do not really need to explain ourselves but we will.
Our Congress and the Senate will not be disbanded. If we did not have these places to send our politicians then our prisons would be even more crowded then they already are. I’m sure you would be in a similar predicament if you had not gotten into the habit of sending your criminals to Australia.
To avoid the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. We will not reinstate the letter “u” in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ That is unless we as free-thinking and random-spelling individuals decide to do so. This country was built on the principal that every citizen has the right to spell and pronounce words based on their own sense of what is rite. Look at the internet for an hour or two if you don’t believe us.
2. WE CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER, like, you know. This is to say, you can take your paternalistic, racist, elitist, misogynistic and xenophobic attempt to stuff your Prescriptive Grammar down our throats and do you-know-what with it.
3. Not only will we continue to celebrate the 4th of July but we are going to add Guy Fawkes Day to our list. We didn’t understand why you choose to celebrate the day someone tried to blow up your parliament building. Then we watched a bit of what you call a legislative process and decided ours is not that bad.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues and not swallow your feelings. Our therapists tell us that living your entire life with a stiff upper lip can result in walking and acting like there is a stick up your ass. Explains a lot does’t it? When you learn that your spouse is cheating on you it is not the time to say, “quite so.” The moment calls for ranting and raging followed by calls to therapists and lawyers. As far as guns are concerned, they are for hunting but “shooting grouse” is not hunting. Those little birds that don’t have enough meat on them to make them worth shooting. Try wild hogs if you want something that is a challenge worth hunting and makes a meal rather than a light snack for tea.
Thinking more about it, you got us on lawyers. If we knew what to do there we would have done it already.
5. It is not worth responding to that vegetable peeler comment but it makes us think that you might want to bring a few people back from Australia for the good of your gene pool.
6. Roundabouts and metrification will not help us understand the British sense of humor. Frankly we question whether here is such a thing. We really liked Monty Python. “The Office” was ok. There hasn’t been much funny stuff other than those two that we can think of so we are not sure why we would bother with roundabouts and metrification.
7. The UK will start paying US prices for gas (no one calls it gasoline let alone petrol). This will allow you to finally get some cars that are large enough to be comfortable. If you had more cars with large back seats then it might improve your country’s birthrate and general disposition.
8. You will learn to make food that can be tasted. Boiling the crap out of everything without adding anything resembling a spice should not be considered cooking. Rationing ended seventy years ago when the war ended. It is time to enjoy food again.
9. The warm, nasty stuff you insist on calling beer tastes like warm, nasty stuff to us but at least we are honest about its use. Beer is to be used to get drunk. Thats all. It was never intended to taste good. That is why most American beers strive for no taste at all which is better than the warm, nasty stuff you pretend to like even though it tastes like an industrial byproduct. Here is the truth about beer.
– Mass market domestic beer is best served cold and is used to get drunk. Period.
– Imported beer is used to get drunk while at the same time allowing you to feel superior to the people who drink domestic beer.
– Craft beer is used to get drunk while feeling morally superior to and hipper than everyone else.
10. Hollywood will continue to cast your finest shakespearean actors as Jedi knights, nazi generals, wizards, serial cannibals and butlers because we think it is really funny when they take piles of money to come down to our level.
11. We will continue to watch real football. We really don’t care what the rest of the world does. It is about time you figured that out.
12. We will continue to watch baseball. Cricket was obviously created as a joke on the poor fools in your overseas colonies. Somewhere along the way you forgot that and began to take it seriously yourselves. See # 11 if you are still confused.
13.. We will tell you who killed JFK when you tell us the truth about Lady Di. We think that is only fair.
14. We will be sending you a bill for all of the ships, planes, tanks, etc. that we loaned you during the two world wars we had to step in to resolve. It was called the Lend-Lease Program and not Gift Program after all. Why is it you think we are the ones that do not understand this language?
15. Happy Hour begins whenever we decide to sit down and start it.
Finally, we happen to like North Dakota. It provides a buffer between South Dakota and Canada. This is kinda like the buffer you make between us and the french. Thanks for that by the way.
God Bless Amurica!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humor. That’s right. No stinking “u.”