In a bold move to “protect the mental health and maturity of the nation’s youth,” the Australian government has passed sweeping legislation banning anyone under the age of 16 from using social media. The new law, part of the Online Safety Amendment (Social Media Minimum Age) Bill 2024, aims to free teens from the clutches of constant connectivity and encourage them to “find healthier outlets for their energy.”
But as the government celebrates its victory over TikTok and Instagram, rumours are swirling that their next target may be even more ambitious: banning under-16s from public spaces entirely.
Offline and Out of Sight
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, speaking at a press conference, defended the social media ban, describing it as “a long-overdue reset for our kids.”
“For too long, social media has been warping young minds with unrealistic expectations, harmful trends, and whatever it is Logan Paul does,” Albanese said. “This ban will give our kids the chance to be kids again—outside of the digital world and, potentially, outside of public spaces altogether.”
He went on to hint at the next phase of the government’s youth policy. “While we’ve freed teens from social media, we’re still seeing them gather in shopping malls, skate parks, and other public areas where they seem to be… well, existing. It’s disruptive. We’re exploring options to ensure public spaces remain peaceful and functional for everyone.”
Teens in the Crosshairs
The leaked proposal, dubbed the No Teens, No Trouble Act, would limit anyone under the age of 16 from “unaccompanied loitering” in public spaces. This includes malls, parks, beaches, and fast food establishments.
“Public spaces are meant for the enjoyment of everyone,” said Senator Fatima Payman, a key supporter of the initiative. “But let’s be honest—there’s nothing enjoyable about packs of teens yelling, skateboarding, or eating chips like it’s a competitive sport.”
Instead, the proposal suggests that teens be restricted to “designated youth zones,” supervised areas where they can gather without causing a public nuisance. Early suggestions for these zones include abandoned parking lots, empty fields, or their own backyards.
Public Reaction
Parents have been divided on the idea.
“Honestly, I don’t hate it,” said Sharon Wilson, a Melbourne mum of three. “If it means I can go to the shops without being glared at by a group of teens in matching hoodies, I’m all for it.”
Others worry it’s a step too far. “Sure, they’re loud and smell like Lynx body spray, but they’re kids. Where are they supposed to go?” said Brisbane dad Chris Langley.
Teens, predictably, are furious.
“This is a total violation of our basic rights,” said 15-year-old Ella James, who was protesting outside a shopping mall with her friends. “First, they take our phones. Now, they want to stop us hanging around out the front of Centrelink? What’s next, banning breathing?”
Politicians Weigh In
Opposition leader Peter Dutton blasted the government’s approach, calling it “an authoritarian overreach.”
“This is a slippery slope,” Dutton warned. “Today, it’s teens. Tomorrow, they’ll be banning seniors from bingo halls. Where does it end?”
Meanwhile, Greens leader Adam Bandt expressed cautious support for the youth zones. “As long as they’re solar-powered and compost-friendly, we might be on board.”
A New Era for Public Spaces?
While the government insists the proposals are still in the discussion phase, many Australians are bracing for the possibility of teen-free streets.
“It’s a bit dystopian, sure,” said one Canberra resident. “But I have to admit, the thought of a quiet park on a Saturday afternoon is kind of appealing.”
For now, under-16s can still enjoy public spaces—provided they’re not scrolling through social media while doing so. But as Australia cracks down on its youth, one thing is clear: the kids aren’t alright, and soon, they might not even be allowed out.