The citizens of Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, and twenty-three other nations have all sponsored a motion before the United Nations to officially join the War on Christmas. Distributed across three continents, the countries have little in common save for annual body counts that range from the thousands to hundreds of thousands. Most of the countries are not officially declared to be in a state of war but are requesting that the UN help them to transition from their current conflicts with a formal declaration of a “War on Christmas”.
According to a statement issued by the group, “We do not have anything against Christmas per se. However, we really like our chances if we can just trade our current conflict for this one. Being faced with a boycott on our goods and services seems a reasonable tradeoff for the current air strikes and intermittent artillery shelling.”
We obtained a document which outlines the potential belligerent nations’ plans for conducting the war on Christmas:
We vow to the following:
We will use generic red cups without any religious decorations to drink clean water (when it is available).
We will offend strangers by cursing them with “Happy Holidays”whenever possible.
Assuming they have not previously been cut down for firewood, we will label any standing tree as a “Holiday Tree”.
We will only listen to secular holiday music on the radio (if one is available).
While each country could possibly resolve an ongoing armed conflict, there is a price to fighting in the War on Christmas. When asked if they recognized that each country would become the target of endless email campaigns and a flurry of irate Facebook users, the spokesperson for the alliance responded “We are willing to risk it.”